Friday, February 5, 2010


This has been a terribly stressful week. On the weekend I broke down and went to cut myself but then stopped because I knew I'd still feel like shit no matter what. Today I feel like cutting myself again, but I'm not. There aren't any clean knives and I'm too lazy to wash one. I'm not trying to kill myself, so there's no need to risk infection. (chuckle)

Sometimes I feel like my body is a kettle filled with boiling water. Only when I cut myself can the steam rise out of me and all the stress and pain dissipates. I never used to feel that way about cutting. I used to be afraid of it. I was afraid of seeing blood. Now I'm curious.

I've been dreaming about my wedding day. I'm wearing a beautiful white dress. The weather is perfect. I look gorgeous and everyone is outside waiting for me. But I don't come out because I've hanged myself in my wedding dress, holding my bouquet of flowers. I'm watching myself from inside the room where I'm dangling from the ceiling. My mother in law finds the dead me, but doesn't notice the ghost me watching the chaos.

In another version of the dream, I've found a razor and have cut up my arm and wrist and I'm bleeding all over everything. My wedding dress is stained red and one of my bridesmaids finds me and starts freaking out. I faint and all I see is black and I can hear the family crying and gasping as they try to save my life. The sounds start to fade away, like I'm being pulled up and back. Everything is still black, but now I'm inside myself and that's all I have left. It's really weird.

It makes me wonder if I'm dying in my dream, or just going into a coma, maybe. I wonder if I'll come back to life.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I'm Back

I'm back and earlier than expected.

Alas, it's started. The sadness. The frustration. I feel angry and I feel bitter.

Also, He's proposing to me at Christmas. I haven't decided if I'm going to say Yes or No, yet. I've known for well over a month that he was going to propose. I wasn't sure when exactly, but he kind of let it slip at breakfast this morning. Yuck.

I'll probably say yes in the moment. I don't really want to. Well, I want to, but I'm not sure about it all. We're just going to end up divorced anyway. Girls always have this picture in their head of how they want to be proposed to.

Personally, I want it to be a huge production. I want it to be disgustingly romantic and beautiful and meaningful, maybe even in public so he can profess his undying love for me while strangers witness his spectacle. I him to write me a love song, or spray it on a billboard, or just anything big and awesome!

I doubt I'll get what I want.

But he better not propose in a fucking car or the dirty apartment. I'll be pissed.

I want stars and flowers and music and candles and backup dancers. Sigh. Wishful thinking.

I am so fucking pessimistic. I am the most bitter person I know. Most girls would be crying with joy over the fact that their boyfriend wants to propose. Here I am picking it all apart, complaining, sounding like a huge ungrateful bitch, which I'm sure I am. It's hard to be happy when you're not a happy person.

This Christmas will be my most fake one yet.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


This blog is now on hiatus until the first snow fall. I feel fucking fantastic and this blog depresses me so I'm not even going to bother bringing down my good mood.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


I have news. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's big!

I was given some very good advice from a distant family member: I am not responsible for my parent!

How true. I am not. I shouldn't be. Ever. It's not right. I have given my dad over $1000 in the last 2 years. And on top of that money, for his combined birthday and father's day gift, my sister and I paid for the $1000 repair bill on his truck for him. Unfortunately, my sister is going to school in the fall and we split the bill 60-40.

It's a lot of money. I'm not even working steady. A few days here and there, if I'm lucky, I'll get three shifts a week. Money's tight for me too, but at least I have savings.

Dad said he might have to move in with me in September. I'm dreading it. I had offered my place to him, but now I'm having second thoughts. I wrote my dad a letter explaining how I feel. My relationship with The BF is already strained, and having dad move in for an unknown amount of time will cause more stress. I feel so bad going back on my word, but I have to. Dad has to help himself before I can help him any more.

I'm really afraid to send the letter, and I don't know if I have the guts to do it. I'll be hurting my father a lot and he's already depressed. I feel like I'm the only one he has. Like all the weight is on my shoulders to keep him afloat. I shouldn't have to feel this way and I also feel guilty and selfish sometimes too.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

And The BF said to me that he's no longer going to pick me up from work because it interferes with his social life. I take the bus to work because it costs $2.30 to board the transit. If I take my car to work, it costs me $10 a day to park. Taking the bus saves me a considerable amount of money.

But because I work 10:30 until 7:15, by the time I get off work, all the buses are running on evening times. I have to wait 20 minutes or more after I'm done my shift to catch the bus home. And there's a lot of walking involved. So, instead of waiting around, The BF just comes to pick me up.

It's a great system for me, but The BF has started complaining that he can't hang out with his friends after work (he gets home at 5) because he has to wait around for my shift to end and come get me. I didn't realize that this was such an inconvenience to him. I didn't realize his friends were so fucking important he has to hang out with them ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! It's always about his friends, always.

This relationship is really not working out at all. We are not on the same wavelength anymore. He is so consumed by his friendships it's all he sees. When I tell him how I feel like I'm always on the back burner he doesn't deny it, but he doesn't try to do anything about it either. I feel so useless.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Mixed Bag

I'm such a drama queen.

Things with The Bf and I are fine(ish) I guess. I installed The Sims Complete Collection and made all my friends and family into Sim form. It's sweet.

I went for breakfast with my sister this morning and it was really fun. She told me funny things that happened last night after she went to go pick up her drunk friend-with-benefits from the bar. I like to call him Shelly because his name is Sheldon and he hates being called Shelly.

For the past week I've been waiting for a response from my I-hope-to-one-day-be-real-friends on facebook. Nothing yet. I didn't say anything weird to them... and I know they've read my message because I creeped their facebook to see what kind of activity they've been up to.

It's time to give up. I'm moving to plan B. "Would you like to get a coffee tomorrow?" is almost too easy. Instead, I should think of an elaborate and difficult scheme to "randomly" bump into them. I'm kidding. But thinking about it makes me laugh.

I like plotting outrageous plans that make no sense. I once wrote a story called "Why Russ Is In Cuba" and it's a semi-fictional story that originated from an MSN Messenger convo I was having with a friend.

I'd love to get some art done to go along with the story, but I'd have to find a talented artist first.

This blog was mostly useless... but now I'm going to post my story on here... maybe.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

It's Over

In three months I'll be single. The BF and I are just not working out as planned. I have to wait for three months because that's when the lease is up on the apartment. Financially we need each other right now, but emotionally, I'm just not feeling it.

He chooses his friends over me all the time. If there's ever something that I want to do with him and his friends are not involved, he doesn't want to do it. He'd rather, "be with friends" instead. It's depressing.

I'm moving to London to become a lesbian for a year. I'll get a work visa with and they'll help me set it all up. (The work visa, not the lesbian bit.)

Moving out of this apartment at the end of September works out nicely for me. My sister is going away to college and staying in a dorm, so while I look for a place to live I can just crash at my mom's and stay in my sister's room. Living at home sucks, but it's better than living with my current boyfriend.

I really like him, but I can tell it's not working. I'm a depressing cry-baby to begin with, so adding the stress of having a boyfriend who makes me cry too doesn't help.

Many people have commented that they think we're a great couple and really compatible and junk, but what they're seeing isn't real. I happen to be very good at faking a genuine smile. I've been doing it for so long, I don't even notice it anymore.

I'm going to be such a loser when I become single. I feel no optimism for my future, but I'd rather feel alone in an empty room than alone in a crowd.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Real Person's Face

I'm still waiting for my happy pills to come in the mail. It seems they've already had a placebo effect on me because yesterday and the day before I was exuberantly happy!

I felt like my old self. The BF and I had a water fight. I bought some water guns and left one outside the front door for him with a note that said "arm yourself' and when he walked in I started shooting him! Our clothes were all wet and we took them off and had great sex!!!

What a wonderful day that was.

I'm not sure what today will bring. I'm optimistic that I'll make a new friend or two. I met a girl named Maha at a karaoke bar and she seemed really nice and she added me on facebook. I sent her a message and I hope she sends me one back.

Plus, I signed up for pottery classes. They start in July. I'm really excited. The class is small, only nine people, but I hope my classmates are cool people.

My boyfriend's band-mate, Margie, is someone I hope to be friends with. She's really cool and I like her and I sent her a message on facebook, but I don't know what's going to become of it. She's a bit of a social butterfly. I think she only talks to me because I'm The BF's shadow.

I can tell the difference when somebody is talking to me because they are interested in what I have to say, or because they're just so comfortable with themselves and their interpersonal skills, they think they can pass off small chat as something greater. Damn you!

I sent her a message about something that's deeper than small chat. She responded, but we haven't had a convo in real life... I'm hoping to get away from the fucking facebook and more towards a real person's face. That's my goal. I can do this.