Beautiful

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I had a bad day at work a few days ago and I just wanted to end it all right there. The BF talked me out of it. Well... he didn't talk me out of it because he didn't know I wanted to die, but he made me feel like not dying. How Sweet.

I also have been thinking about beauty and beautiful people. I want to tell people that they are beautiful to me.

And one last thing... I've been thinking about having my coworkers find my blog. Find it and confront me about it. I'll leave this electronic paper trail on all the computers at work and they'll find me out.

They'll have an intervention. But I'll deny everything I'm feeling about how I want to die all the time.

2 Things

There are two things that I think about at work.

1. Hanging myself in the office while on a night shift. The cleaning staff won't find me. I'll wait until they leave. I'd feel badly if they found me because they often bring their small children to work with them. Then again I can't feel bad cause I'm dead, but I'd feel badly beforehand I suppose.

The radio person won't find me because I'll wait for that person to leave. Unfortunately my shift ends at 10:45pm and the radio shift ends at midnight. I'll just have to bum around for an hour, or hide out somewhere.

Where I work is a 5 story building. I could potentially do myself in on any of those floors, but the main floor is where it's at. Although, there's a few rooms on the second floor that would be kind of cool to hang myself in and I've put some thought into it.

News stations don't report on suicides. I'm not doing it for the attention. I'm doing it to make a statment. Which I suppose, that's kind of like for attention. But it's different somehow.

Anyway

2. The other thing I think about at work is making dirty love to a handful of my coworkers. There is one coworker specifically that I would love to have fuck my brains out. He's married (no kids) and much older than I. But he's so cute! He walks with a swagger and his brand of cigarettes gives him a very enticing smell.

When we drive around in the company vehicle together during the night shift, I always have the urge to pull over into a dark alley and have my way with him.

There's a few women that I imagine naked too bccause I think they are beautiful.

...

Actually, I think 2 coworkers of mine are banging each other now. I know they're both single and I saw them leave the office together tonight... it wasn't suspicious, but just out of the ordinary. I have a hunch they're secretly doing each other. That's so hot. I'd love to fuck a coworker.

The closest I've came to fucking a coworker is fucking a classmate (or several), which was pretty cool, but I think fucking a coworker would be more... exhilerating perhaps?? I don't know. Maybe not.

Say It With Flowers

Here's what somebody had to say about my roses post.

Rachel Tamed said...
Giving people flowers is such a silly thing. Expensive dead treats - may as well hand me a recently killed puppy and tell me to hold on to it until it gets cold!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but there's a reason why they saying goes, "say it with flowers."

AMBROSIA - Your Love is Reciprocated
ARBUTUS - Thee Only Do I Love
ASTER - Symbol of Love, Daintiness
AZALEA - Take Care of Yourself For Me
BEGONIA - Beware
BELLS OF IRELAND - Good Luck
CAMELLIA - Good Luck Gift to a Man
CAMELLIA (PINK) - Longing For You
CAMELLIA (RED) - You're A Flame In My Heart
CAMELLIA (WHITE) - You're Adorable
CANDYTUFT - Indifference
CARNATION (PINK) - I'll Never Forget You
CARNATION (RED) - My Heart Aches For You
CARNATION (SOLID COLOR) - Yes!
CARNATION (STRIPPED) - No!, Refusal, Sorry I Can't Be With You
CARNATION (YELLOW) - You Have Disappointed Me, Rejection
CHRYSANTHEMUM (GENERAL) - You're A Wonderful Friend
CYCLAMEN - Resignation and Good Bye
DAFFODIL - You're The Only One, The Sun Is Always Shining When I'm With You
DAISY - I'll Never tell
FORGET ME NOT - True Love, Memories
GARDENIA - You're Lovely
GLADIOLA - Give Me A Break, I'm Really Sincere
GLOXINIA - Love At First Sight
HYACINTH (PURPLE) - I Am Sorry Please Forgive Me, Sorrow
HYACINTH (WHITE) - I'll Pray For You
HYDRANGEA - Thank You For Understanding,
IRIS - Your Friendship Means So Much To Me, My Compliments
JONQUIL - Affection Returned
LILY (WHITE) - It's Heavenly To Be With You
LILY (YELLOW) -I'm Walking On Air
LILY OF THE VALLEY - You've Made my Life Complete
MISTLETOE - Kiss Me
MONKHOOD - Beware, A Deadly Foe Is Near
NARCISSUS - Stay As Sweet As You Are
NASTURTIUM - Conquest, Victory In Battle
PETUNIA - Your Presence Soothes Me
PRIMROSE - I Can't Live Without You
STOCK - You'll Always Be Beautiful To Me
SWEETPEA - Good-bye, Thank You For A Lovely Time
TULIP (RED) - Believe Me, Declaration Of Love
TULIP (VARIEGATED) - Beautiful Eyes
TULIP (YELLOW) -There's Sunshine In Your Smile
VIOLET (BLUE) - I'll Always Be True
VIOLET (WHITE) - Let's Take A Chance On Happiness
VISCARIA - Will You Dance With Me?
WISTERIA - Welcome
ZINNIA (MIXED) - Thinking (or in Memory) Of An Absent Friend

There's many more! I didn't post all of them. I left out the roses' meanings on purpose. Every colour has a different meaning, or multiple meanings. The roses given to me were red which means, I Love You Passionately.

Courting someone with flowers back in the day was how it was done. The best part about it is that you never had to say a word. Everyone knew what the flowers symbolized. And depending on the region someone lived in, not all flowers were available, which is why many flowers have the same meaning.

There's a reason why nobody has stripped carnations at their wedding and nobody hangs mistle toe at a funeral.

You can say a lot with flowers.

Roses

I was looking at my ready-to-wilt roses this morning. I plucked one petal off and weaved it through my fingers feeling the silky softness. Roses really are beautiful. Then it occurred to me; Did that hurt? Did the flower feel me desecrate it? Probably not since the flower had been cut. But for argument's sake, let's say it did. Would it feel a pinch similar to when somebody gets a hair pulled from their head?

What if the flower was alive and growing in a pot of soil. Would it feel me rip its petals out? Would it silently cry out or will me to stop killing it?

Do big tall trees feel bald when they lose their leaves? Are they saddened because they have to stand outside in the freezing cold, naked? Do pine trees make fun of them?

Sometimes I feel guilty ripping grass out of the ground, so I try not to when I'm having a picnic or camping or whatever. It feels like I'm ripping out the earth's hair or something. And sometimes the grass is hard to pull out, so you really have to tug on it. It's like the grass doesn't want you to uproot it.

Using the lawnmower is like giving my lawn a haircut. I don't feel bad about doing that. It will grow back.

Watching my roses wilt is bittersweet. I want my roses to be alive and well, but they were dead when I got them. As they decay on my kitchen table, one by one the petals will fall, shrivel, and turn black. I will save them in a jar and remember the time when they were blood red and soft like velvet.

Tipping the Scales

Spent the weekend out of the country. I didn't have sex on valentines day. I was too drunk. I tried... but my boyfriend rejected me after I gave him the worst, most sloppy kiss in the history of bad kisses. He said I kind of shoved my tongue all the way in his mouth, without really keeping any sort of form or control. I did get roses. They still smell nice.

True to my style, I cried myself to sleep. I was drinking long island ice tea, and when all that was gone, I started in on the strawberry cream liquor. I had a terrible hangover in the morning, so I just jumped in the hotel hot tub.

I smoked weed with one of my best friends. I only see this friend once a year, so it was a special treat. He's sort of an unrequited love of mine. We've had a crush on each other for 10 years now, and only have kissed once. Closed mouth. I told him I was getting married. He launched into a million questions about The BF, making sure I was truly happy. I'm not truly happy. I never will be. That's an impossible thing for any to achieve. I lied and said I was.

If you set up a scale where at the bottom is Truly Miserable and at the very top is Truly Happy, you will find that it's impossible for anyone to reach the top of the scale. No matter how far up we get, we always want something else, something more, something better. Nobody is supposed to reach the top. Nobody is supposed to reach the pinnacle of happiness. That would be some sort of paradise or something.

And just forget about all that Dali Llama, Buddah, Zen bullshit. Happiness is temporary. Happiness can be faked. I fake it all the time. And being Truly Happy cannot last for long periods of time like Truly Miserable can.

Truly Miserable can be seen with our own eyes. The feeling can last for decades. Truly Miserable can last forever. The people who have reached Truly Miserable commit suicide and that is the ultimate recognition.

Hey, that guy killed himself. He must have been truly miserable, otherwise he wouldn't have.

Questionable Content

I can't really tell anyone else, so I may as well tell my fellow bloggers...

I had a sexy dream last night.

It was very... involved haha.

Tomorrow I leave on a little weekend getaway with a friend I've known my whole life, Janey, and her boyfriend. The dream was about this friend.

The dream starts where I'm over at her house. There's tons of people there. We're celebrating something. Janey and I leave the party and go into her room to get ready for bed. We always shared a bed during sleep-overs. We started talking about sex with our boyfriends. I think I may have said something about wanting to eat pussy and Janey saying something like she wanted her pussy to get eaten out. We were getting undressed. I had my pants off, and was just wearing a thong. A purple one actually. Kind of like a lilac colour haha. I was just taking my shirt off, when Janey's dad burst through the door. I pulled my shirt back down quickly. For some reason, we had to go with him to help someone do something... I don't even know.

Janey and I leave her room. I'm only wearing a shirt and a thong. We go outside and all of our family is there. My mom asked me to come over and help her with something. Then the police arrive and arrest me for indecent exposure. Apparently it's illegal to show your bare ass in public. I explained to the officer that I had my breasts, anus, and vagina covered... but that wasn't a good enough excuse for not wearing pants. I don't remember being cuffed... but that's where I woke up.

That's my sexy dream.

BUT THEN... I fell back asleep.

I dreamed The BF and I were with Janey and her boyfriend at the hotel room. I pulled her boyfriend aside and told him about how I dreamed that I was going to go down on his girlfriend, but I was too embarrassed to tell her myself in case she thought I was a sick friend. He told me that he'd love to have a foursome.

So we went back to the hotel room. Janey and I got naked and started doing stuff on the bed. I don't want to get too pornographic. Then Janey's boyfriend's came and he lied down on the bed. Janey was on top in this reverse cowgirl position, but leaning back so that I had access to her cunt. I believe I was holding her boyfriend's testicles in one hand, Janey's breast in another, and my face was buried somewhere in the middle haha.

Then my boyfriend came and started doing me doggie. It was the greatest sex dream ever!

I woke up and was late for work. That didn't stop me from quickly masturbating! Jesus! How could I not after a dream like that!

Now, I'm debating if I should say something to them over the weekend. Maybe my wish will come true haha.

Premonitions

I was originally going to write a post about how I hate my fiancé and will never marry him. But then I changed my mind. I will still marry him.

Sometimes I get these weird glimpses into what married life might be like. I'll come home late from work because I had to stop to pick up a few groceries. I'll have no help carrying them inside or putting them away. The kitchen will be a complete mess. Dirty dishes everywhere, not even rinsed. The floor needs to be swept. Crumbs and spills on the counter need to be wiped up. I'll spend the rest of my evening cleaning the house, not even getting to spend time with my cats, or children for that matter, if I have children. There's half a dozen loads of laundry to be washed that I simply do not have the time to wash, so it increases to 7 loads of laundry! I'll have a migraine 24/7, no matter how much water I drink, or fruit I eat, or amount of sleep and exercise I get.

I'll have deep bags under my eyes, probably gained some weight from having babies... My clothes and makeup will be outdated. My husband will have this huge gut and leave his facial hair trimmings in the sink for me to clean up. My kids will have behavioral problems mommy's too stressed out to pay attention to them, and daddy doesn't give a damn.

Then I'll get so overwhelmed, I'll get a divorce. But because marriage and children have made me ugly, it will take ten years for me to start dating again. By that time the kids will be older and not such a burden on me. All the money that they're daddy's been sending to us in the mail can finally go towards their post-secondary education instead of dildos for me.

Fuck. I'm never getting married. It's going to ruin my life.

Money

My father was trying to call me all weekend. I'd left my phone at home by mistake and never got his messages until this morning - (While waiting for my bus which never came because it was raining and the roads were pure ice. I had to drive to work so I wouldn't be late and paid ten fucking dollars to park for the day!)

He wants me to send him money. I told him if he got off welfare, I'd help support him financially until his rent-assistance money came in. He really hated welfare and I even went and spoke with his councillor on his behalf because he was getting so frustrated with the system. He thought his councillor was incompetent. Turns out she really is. And French too. Not that I have anything against French people, I just thought I'd throw that in.

He wants a "couple hundred dollars." I'll probably send him $250. He asked for the money at a bad time. Last night The BF and I discussed our "wedding" and how much it was going to cost and how much we were going to need to save in order to reach our goal of $5000 each. Ten thousand dollars is the max we're going to spend on eloping to Australia.

It's about 3 grand for one round trip ticket. We're only going to spend a few days in a nice hotel room (so we can have super-awesome-married-people-honey-moon sex!) The rest of our trip will be spent in hostels. I know one person in Australia. I met her this summer. Perhaps she might let us crash for free for a few days with her, or a friend.

Food is going to cost a lot of money. Eating 3 meals a day at restaurants is not cost effective. We'll probably try to buy some food at a grocery store so we're not eating out all the time. The only problem so far that I see is that once we check out of the hotel room, we won't have a safe place to store our belongings. We'll have to drag them along with us everywhere we go. We probably won't rent a car either. We can't leave our crap in a hostel, or it will get stolen. So, we'll have to pack light.

We're not big on the tourist junk. We'll spend a few days at the beach for sure, but we really want to get into the Australian music scene, and make some friends at a sweet concert or something. I want to see Australian wildlife!

We're going to have to save at least 3 hundred each a month if we want to reach our goal of having $5000 each by February 2010. Now because of Dad I'm already one month behind. Fucker.

In Conclusion

Here's the thing about LAN parties... They're really cool because if you get enough friends together, usually 4-8 people altogether, you can all play the same game in the same room at the same time. No stupid headset chatter... you can plan attacks easier... heckle your friends... it's a good time.

The LAN games that I prefer to play include Ages of Empires, and Worms World Party. 2 very awesome games... old ones, mind you, but excellent nonetheless! I prefer playing computer games as opposed to x-box or play station games.

The LAN party I was at was all about the X-Box 360 games. Super lame and boring. I don't play video games. I don't own any gaming consoles.

And just so everyone is clear... I was at a LAN party from 1pm until 7pm. That's 6 hours of being in a cramped one bedroom apartment with 7 other people. The BF and I actually arrived late to the party. It had started at 10:30 am.

We left briefly just after 7 to go back to the house we were staying at. The BF tried to seduce me, but failed. Not because I rejected him, but because we were in his friends' house and he felt awkward. I didn't feel awkward. I'll fuck anywhere. The bed was kind of squeaky though.

The BF and I had a fight that night about how I never wanted to go back there again. He felt as though I was personally attacking him and shrugging off his "most important friendships." I told him that his friends are very nice people, but I have nothing in common with them.

They really are very nice. They just also happen to be really into things that I'm not into and think are boring. I told him that if we had never moved away, hanging out with his friends would have been a deal breaker because I would never want to hang out with them, we'd fight about it, and eventually break up. But because we did move away, it's not a deal breaker, and if he wants to drive out there to go visit them by himself, by all means, he can go do it! I'm just not coming because there is NO POINT!!!

The BF was very offended. He asked if I was going to disregard the new friends he's made in the city we live in now. I said no. I actually like those people. I like them because they are social; they talk about music that I listen to, politics, books, movies, and just other random and weird things of interest to me. They don't spend all day in front of the damn television set playing first person shooter games for 8 straight hours! THEY HAVE A LIFE!

The BF was quiet for a moment. Then he said, well, I guess you're right.

Thank you. I know. I'm always right. Obviously.

On Sunday, we went skating before we left to go back home, just the two of us. It was enjoyable and I think I'd like to go skating more often.

Kill Me

As I type this I am currently at a LAN party in a city that I hate, accompanied by people that I have nothing in common with.

The BF wanted to visit his friends in the city we went to college in. All my friends that used to live in this city have pretty much left because of job offerings in other cities. There are 3 people here in the city that I know.

The people at the LAN party I'm at are all The BF's friends. They are nerds. I'm so depressed.

I started drinking at 1:00 pm because I thought that it would help me get through the day. Perhaps the liquid courage would help ease me into a social situation that I want nothing to do with. No such luck.

I'm bored to tears. Literally. I feel like crying. Alcohol does that to me. And these two guys were sharing a huge joint and didn't offer it to anybody else. I guess nobody else smokes pot but those two? Anyway, I thought it would be too presumptuous to ask for a hoot... I didn't feel comfortable since I barely know these people. The polite thing to do is light a joint, take a drag, then offer it around once. If nobody takes the bait, then it's all yours. It smelled so good my mouth watered!

Sigh. I hate this city. I just want to leave so bad!!! There's a reason I stayed just long enough to graduate then got the hell out! I used to have friends here too, but, like me, they also stayed just long enough to graduate then left for bigger and better things.

I feel so fucking awkward. Like... inadequate as a person. I always start off so shy... I have a hard time making friends, I guess.

I'm terrible at joining in on a pre-fabricated group of friends! I'm the outsider. The new kid. I can't connect with everyone at once, and I'm not witty or funny, so I can't really tell a joke that will make everyone laugh and instantly like me.

One on one is good. I like trying to befriend just one person. An entire group though!!!! Fuck, it's impossible!!! It's overwhelming.

I wish somebody would just put me out of my misery this weekend.

Response

This post will most definitely get cut off short tonight... My fiance doesn't know about this blog and I don't want him to ever find it and he's coming home soon.

I liked the comment I received on my previous post. I wanted to respond to it.

A) I refer to my boyfriend as The BF and my fiance interchangeably. He's a very good boyfriend. My dad always asks me, "hows that friend of your's doing? Does he hit ya?" "No Dad. My boyfriend doesn't hit me."

He's a very sweet guy. We're getting married on March 1st 2010 in Australia. Eloping. Nobody knows about it... except you guys yay! How much does the average wedding cost? Too fucking much, that's how much! People will spend $10,000 on their wedding easily. I think weddings are a huge waste of time and money. The only reason why I want to get married is for the social status, otherwise I'm perfectly comfortable staying common law.

So, if I was going to spend thousands of dollars for a piece of paper, I'm going to do it my way!

Luckily my boyfriend loved my idea of sticking it to our families and getting hitched without anyone knowing. We're breaking a lot of hearts doing what we're doing, but don't they always say, "It's your special day!!!" fuckers.

Plus, as a practicing atheist, I refuse to be married in a church, or other holy setting, or by a priest, or other holy figure head. I'm getting married for the government status, so the justice of the peace will be marrying us!

I didn't realize I'd painted such a negative picture of my fiance. I can assure you we are soul mates and have amazing sex. Not that you brought up my sex life, but for all I know you're questioning that next!

B) I don't hate my job and I don't want to get a new job or change jobs! I went to school for this and I landed a pretty sweet gig out of college. I'm not turning my back on it yet. I'm in it for the long run! My AD position only lasts until the end of next week, then the regular gets back from his trip to Disney Land and I move on to a different position.

Haven't you ever had a stressful day at work and bitched about it to someone? This job IS what I want to do in life, thank you very much!

I should have written a better post... I've had several things come to mind at work, but blogging at work makes me squirrely and now I've forgotten what I was going to say. Having a secret blog is hard! Everything has to be so fucking secretive, you know?

Feels like Punch You in the Face

Today doesn't feel like suicide. It feels like Punch You in the Face. Not you, the reader... The BF, more so.

At times I can have the most stressful job on the planet. Other times, it can be the easiest, most slack 8 hours; It all depends on which position I've been scheduled for. The particular position I've been scheduled for, for the next 2 weeks is AD. I'm not going to tell you what my job is, or what AD stands for, but trust me, it's fucking difficult to do and the person who was trained to do it before me used to cry every night at the end of her shift. She'd feel terrible and bake everybody delicious goodies to make up for it. She's not around anymore.

So the day begins with me missing my bus because I took too long getting ready this morning. I have a car, so I drive to work. I park in the pay-lot (that's all there is where I work) and I put in the money to pay for a day of parking. One of the tickets gets stuck in the machine and won't come out. I tried everything, even pliers, to get the damn thing out. I ended up leaving there and wasting a dollar.

I arrive to work 15 minutes late and already it's fucking started. Toronto is calling, they need this, that and the other thing, half the staff has no idea what the fuck is going on. Whatever. We get though it, like always.

The day goes by fine enough. I had a very relaxing and well-deserved lunch break. The last 3 hours of my shift we're boarderline hell, however.

Phone rings.

Hey, can you find this for me?

Phone rings.

Hey can you ingest this for me?

Phone rings.

Hey, where is that stuff I asked for?

Phone rings.

Hey, has this come in for me yet?

Phone rings.

Hey, has this person called yet?

Phone rings.

Hey, can you fix this mistake I found?

Phone rings.

Hey, did you know about this thing that's happening?

It's fucking never-ending!
I am a yes-man! Yes, I can find that, do this, fix that, help you... with every one of your specific wishes and needs!

The next 3 weekends in a row I'll be traveling to a different city to meet with old friends and to shop! I'm really excited! Like I said, my best friends don't even live in the same city as me. I phoned the BF to ask him to make arrangement with his friends for us to stay with them for one night while we're passing through to visit some of my friends. He said he would.

I also asked him if he could wash some dishes before I got home from work. I asked if he could at least wash half because we currently have no cutlery, no plates, or bowls, or glasses, or pots or pans... ect. I told him I'm having a busy day and when I get home I'm going to be starving and I want to make supper, but we don't have any clean dishes to make food. And if we wash them together when I get home, we won't be eating until 10 o'clock.

He got upset. He whined. He bitched.

I pleaded. I got angry. I gave up.

He gets off work at 4:30 and I get off at 7:15.
He gets home from work at 5:00 and I get home from work at 7:30.

That is 2 and a half hours where he can at least help out a little, you know?

I got home at 7:30 and turned on the hot water and started washing. At 9:00pm I was finished. The BF dried the dishes. He also swept the kitchen floor and scooped the kitty litter and took out the trash. He did this without asking. The only reason why he did this without asking is because he knew I was mad at him. He can't stand it when I'm mad at him. I use this to my advantage.

It's just so aggravating that he couldn't spend 20 or 30 minutes to wash some of the dishes that were needed so I could start supper when I got home so we weren't eating at fucking 10 o'clock! I didn't even make supper.

The BF offered and I declined. He's a terrible cook. He asked me what I was going to make then, and I told him he could fucking starve for all I cared because I wasn't making him anything to eat. I'm so hungry right now, but the kitchen is so clean, I don't really want to dirty any dishes. I guess I'll just wait until breakfast tomorrow, if I even have time to eat breakfast tomorrow morning.

All I really want right now is to punch that whiny baby I call a boyfriend in the fucking face.