Sunday, April 26, 2009

i hate myself i want to die

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

FB Freak

I write two posts about how I'm going to hang myself and no comments? Tough crowd. Here goes post three because apparently nobody's reading this anyway. The BF went out with his friends tonight. They went to the bar and the did something else and now they're playing scrabble.

I would kill to have somebody to play scrabble with. I remember when board games were my life. Playing board and card games is my ultimate favourite thing to do! The BF said he'd be home by 11, when I get home from work. It's almost 11:30 and he's still out playing scrabble. He texted me saying I can check for updates on the game on Facebook.


Monday, April 13, 2009


Do I deserve to live? What makes my life so worthy? Sure, I can live out my life until I die of natural causes. I could watch my grandchildren grow up. I could travel the world and learn something new every day. But will my presence in the universe help or hinder it? Is fulfilling personal goals and dreams enough to constitute being alive?

I have goals and dreams.

I want to get married and have kids. I want to buy a house. I want to see Europe.

I want to make a difference in the world. But what's the point? Will I ever do any of those things? And let's say I do. Then what? And what if I don't do any of them? What happens then? NOTHING! Nothing happens! It's all for nothing all the time!

It's all so mindless and meaningless. Everything is about nothing and there's no unity. There's no togetherness. I feel very disconnected, even from The BF.
I feel especially disconnected from my friends. Few people know who I am, but that's my fault really. I shouldn't be so introverted all the time.

The world sucks. I don't hate my life, I just hate being alive. I'd say I'm becoming quite close to ending things permanently. I just have to decide when. By the time that comes, I'll probably have talked myself out of it, but it doesn't hurt to have a plan.

I should stop fantasizing about suicide and just get it over with already. Procrastination is probably the only reason I'm still alive right now.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Fuck Life

Today feels like suicide. I want to rot in a hole. I don't know why and that's the weird thing. I feel like... sad? I can't explain it. I don't want to feel like this. I still haven't gone to see a therapist or whatever they're called. I thought I didn't need to anymore because the snow was melting and I felt better. Maybe I should.

By April I'm not supposed to be sad anymore. By April I'm supposed to be excited about my birthday. I created a facebook event for my birthday. 44 people were invited. I think I personally know about 15 of those people. The rest are acquaintances that could develop into friendships if I worked at them. I figure a party is a good place to start.

I'm not excited about my birthday. I want to die. And I want to tell people that I want to die. I want them to know that I'm not well. I am shameful though. Nobody understands.

I went into a depression forum and this woman said she wanted to end it all. A reply post said something like, everybody feels depressed at one time or another.

No! That's false! Feeling suicidal is not normal! Feeling depressed and being depressed are two totally different things! The average person doesn't want to die. Everything is about preserving life. Fuck life. There's no reason to live.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Feels like Loser-Ville

I feel like such a loser right now. I think I'm just buzzed and tired though.

I worked the late shift and put in an hour over time. It was after midnight when I left work. The BF left me his car so, I drove down to the club him and his friends were going to meet me at.

It was really fun. Co-op and Hunnicut were spinning and they are the best DJ's I know. The BF wants them to play at our wedding reception and I agree! The night we met for the first time was at a Co-op and Hunnicut show.

I offered my boyfriend a blowjob tonight and he said he'd rather hang out with his friends. Faggot.

I think I live vicariously through my boyfriend. He's so awesome and popular and I'm so retarded and lame.

I think The BF and I compliment each other well. He's extroverted and I'm introverted, but pretend to be extroverted. He can never make a decision and I can always make a decision.

He can't cook, but I'm really good at cooking. He loves playing music and I love listening to music. He has a million friends and I wish I had a million friends. I just like to pretend that his friends are my friends too so I don't feel so cheap-ass in the friend department.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with my relationships with other people. I need to fucking get over it because it slowly kills me every day.

Like, today at work, a coworker tried to make small talk with me, but I didn't understand that it was one of those conversation where you don't actually say what you mean, so I started responding, but then halfway through realized my coworker was totally not even listening and instead scrolling through her fucking blackberry. And I felt so fucking dumb.

It's like what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm socially retarded. Half the time I have no idea what to say to people because I don't know what they want when they talk to me. I can never tell if they are trying to get to know me or if they are so used to asking meaningless questions they do it out of habit.

I don't know what they want. I have no interpersonal skills apparently. I'm such a loser I am such a loser.

Tomorrow I'm going to help a coworker sandbag his house. I'm hoping this gesture will shine a positive light on me and make people like me.

I can't believe my boyfriend turned down a blowjob. What a faggot. He ALWAYS wants a bj and now suddenly his friends are more important.

Maybe I have no friends because I'd choose oral sex over them.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

My Book

I didn't have work all week. It was nice to get some time off and focus on myself for a while. I hit the gym for several hours over the course of the week and started working with a trainer again.

I've also been working on my erotic novel I've been writing for a few years. It's 9 chapters long. Each chapter is between 10 and 17 'Microsoft Word' pages long.

I'm an avid reader. When I was young I was reading well above grade level, but by the time I'd reached high school, I kind of leveled off. I ran out of good books to read in my school's tiny library. I also had memberships at other libraries, but I kind of stopped going.

Anyway, I remember sitting in my grade 12 English class and being so frustrated because no book could hold my attention like it used to. I'd get half way through a novel and be bored of it. Books about "teen issues" were lame and written by middle aged people who didn't seem to know what it was like. Harlequin books were equally as lame and the main characters were too old, or the language it was written in was boring, not sexy. I didn't enjoy science fiction.

That never used to happen, me getting bored of a book. Once I started a book I didn't stop until I was through.

But something good came out of this situation... an idea popped into my head.

Since I didn't enjoy reading any of the books being offered to me, why don't I make my own? I decided I'd write my own novel. I'd write this perfect dream story, especially designed for me. It would include all the things I was interested in: sex, drugs, romance, drama.

I actually spent a lot of time preparing to write this book. By the time I'd graduated, I'd created several character bios for all the important characters in my book. I mapped out a sort of family tree so I knew who was connected to each character and how they knew each other.

I thought out my basic story line and the message I wanted to get across in my novel. I created a few subplots and made sure I knew where each one was going and how it was going to relate to my my story.

I broke down what was going to happen in each chapter and made point form notes to keep me on track.

It's been 5 years and I'm still not done. I haven't been working on it continuously, so every time I blow the dust off of it, I have to re-read everything I've written, make changes, and edit it all over again, before adding what happens next. It can take a while considering it just gets longer each time I put it down and pick it up again.

It's my baby. When I'm done, I might try and publish it, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I didn't write it to appease a specific genre or to make money. I'd call my novel an "erotic teen romance." All my characters are 17 because I was in high school when I started to create it, but there are graphic sex scenes. I wrote it to please myself, so I guess older female teens would be most interested in reading it too. I posted a few sections online for feedback and was surprised to see that a 12 year old had been reading my work. She sent me a comment saying she liked reading this kind of stuff, but mine was different because the characters were closer to her age and she could relate better.

It made me uncomfortable knowing such a young girl was reading such adult material, but I'm glad I could make a connection I guess. Plus, I was the same way at her age, so it's not like it's that abnormal.

I was also thinking that I'd just pay to print 50 copies, give them away to my friends and donate some to libraries, that way I could share my story with others and it wouldn't be about money or royalties, or publishers or agencies.

How can you put a price on intellectual property, anyway? I'll sign my name at the bottom and that's all the credit I need.