Saturday, June 13, 2009


I have news. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's big!

I was given some very good advice from a distant family member: I am not responsible for my parent!

How true. I am not. I shouldn't be. Ever. It's not right. I have given my dad over $1000 in the last 2 years. And on top of that money, for his combined birthday and father's day gift, my sister and I paid for the $1000 repair bill on his truck for him. Unfortunately, my sister is going to school in the fall and we split the bill 60-40.

It's a lot of money. I'm not even working steady. A few days here and there, if I'm lucky, I'll get three shifts a week. Money's tight for me too, but at least I have savings.

Dad said he might have to move in with me in September. I'm dreading it. I had offered my place to him, but now I'm having second thoughts. I wrote my dad a letter explaining how I feel. My relationship with The BF is already strained, and having dad move in for an unknown amount of time will cause more stress. I feel so bad going back on my word, but I have to. Dad has to help himself before I can help him any more.

I'm really afraid to send the letter, and I don't know if I have the guts to do it. I'll be hurting my father a lot and he's already depressed. I feel like I'm the only one he has. Like all the weight is on my shoulders to keep him afloat. I shouldn't have to feel this way and I also feel guilty and selfish sometimes too.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

And The BF said to me that he's no longer going to pick me up from work because it interferes with his social life. I take the bus to work because it costs $2.30 to board the transit. If I take my car to work, it costs me $10 a day to park. Taking the bus saves me a considerable amount of money.

But because I work 10:30 until 7:15, by the time I get off work, all the buses are running on evening times. I have to wait 20 minutes or more after I'm done my shift to catch the bus home. And there's a lot of walking involved. So, instead of waiting around, The BF just comes to pick me up.

It's a great system for me, but The BF has started complaining that he can't hang out with his friends after work (he gets home at 5) because he has to wait around for my shift to end and come get me. I didn't realize that this was such an inconvenience to him. I didn't realize his friends were so fucking important he has to hang out with them ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! It's always about his friends, always.

This relationship is really not working out at all. We are not on the same wavelength anymore. He is so consumed by his friendships it's all he sees. When I tell him how I feel like I'm always on the back burner he doesn't deny it, but he doesn't try to do anything about it either. I feel so useless.

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