Monday, April 13, 2009


Do I deserve to live? What makes my life so worthy? Sure, I can live out my life until I die of natural causes. I could watch my grandchildren grow up. I could travel the world and learn something new every day. But will my presence in the universe help or hinder it? Is fulfilling personal goals and dreams enough to constitute being alive?

I have goals and dreams.

I want to get married and have kids. I want to buy a house. I want to see Europe.

I want to make a difference in the world. But what's the point? Will I ever do any of those things? And let's say I do. Then what? And what if I don't do any of them? What happens then? NOTHING! Nothing happens! It's all for nothing all the time!

It's all so mindless and meaningless. Everything is about nothing and there's no unity. There's no togetherness. I feel very disconnected, even from The BF.
I feel especially disconnected from my friends. Few people know who I am, but that's my fault really. I shouldn't be so introverted all the time.

The world sucks. I don't hate my life, I just hate being alive. I'd say I'm becoming quite close to ending things permanently. I just have to decide when. By the time that comes, I'll probably have talked myself out of it, but it doesn't hurt to have a plan.

I should stop fantasizing about suicide and just get it over with already. Procrastination is probably the only reason I'm still alive right now.

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