Saturday, April 11, 2009

Fuck Life

Today feels like suicide. I want to rot in a hole. I don't know why and that's the weird thing. I feel like... sad? I can't explain it. I don't want to feel like this. I still haven't gone to see a therapist or whatever they're called. I thought I didn't need to anymore because the snow was melting and I felt better. Maybe I should.

By April I'm not supposed to be sad anymore. By April I'm supposed to be excited about my birthday. I created a facebook event for my birthday. 44 people were invited. I think I personally know about 15 of those people. The rest are acquaintances that could develop into friendships if I worked at them. I figure a party is a good place to start.

I'm not excited about my birthday. I want to die. And I want to tell people that I want to die. I want them to know that I'm not well. I am shameful though. Nobody understands.

I went into a depression forum and this woman said she wanted to end it all. A reply post said something like, everybody feels depressed at one time or another.

No! That's false! Feeling suicidal is not normal! Feeling depressed and being depressed are two totally different things! The average person doesn't want to die. Everything is about preserving life. Fuck life. There's no reason to live.

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