Saturday, February 7, 2009

Kill Me

As I type this I am currently at a LAN party in a city that I hate, accompanied by people that I have nothing in common with.

The BF wanted to visit his friends in the city we went to college in. All my friends that used to live in this city have pretty much left because of job offerings in other cities. There are 3 people here in the city that I know.

The people at the LAN party I'm at are all The BF's friends. They are nerds. I'm so depressed.

I started drinking at 1:00 pm because I thought that it would help me get through the day. Perhaps the liquid courage would help ease me into a social situation that I want nothing to do with. No such luck.

I'm bored to tears. Literally. I feel like crying. Alcohol does that to me. And these two guys were sharing a huge joint and didn't offer it to anybody else. I guess nobody else smokes pot but those two? Anyway, I thought it would be too presumptuous to ask for a hoot... I didn't feel comfortable since I barely know these people. The polite thing to do is light a joint, take a drag, then offer it around once. If nobody takes the bait, then it's all yours. It smelled so good my mouth watered!

Sigh. I hate this city. I just want to leave so bad!!! There's a reason I stayed just long enough to graduate then got the hell out! I used to have friends here too, but, like me, they also stayed just long enough to graduate then left for bigger and better things.

I feel so fucking awkward. Like... inadequate as a person. I always start off so shy... I have a hard time making friends, I guess.

I'm terrible at joining in on a pre-fabricated group of friends! I'm the outsider. The new kid. I can't connect with everyone at once, and I'm not witty or funny, so I can't really tell a joke that will make everyone laugh and instantly like me.

One on one is good. I like trying to befriend just one person. An entire group though!!!! Fuck, it's impossible!!! It's overwhelming.

I wish somebody would just put me out of my misery this weekend.


  1. I miss you! You really are funnier and wittier than you think, and you should just make a jackass of yourself and say to people "This is me, take it or leave it."
    If those guys as big of dorks as you say, should love to have you there. They probably haven't seen a girl in a coon's age.

    Which is also why they didn't offer the joint; They were afraid of cooties.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm afraid of cooties too but sometimes you just have to make sacrifices to make new friends.

  2. whats up with lan parties? i never understood the concept, haha.

    i bet you dont have a hard time making friends, you just dont like.. lan parties. haha.

    i dont know who you are, but i will follow your blog.