Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Being Me

When I'm alone, I like to wear nothing but pajama bottoms and a bra and dance around my house with the music blaring as loud as I think I can put it without being evicted from my apartment.

I listen to Franz Ferdinand or Sam Roberts or Korn. Actually I listen to hundreds of bands/artists when I do this. It's different every time. But I can tell you I never listen to dance or club music when I do this. They don't play U2 at the fucking club.

I've been doing this for years and years... since I was like 10 probably. Except back when I was a little kid I'd lock myself in my bedroom and dance to backstreet boys haha.

One time in high school somebody from my school was driving by my house and she saw me dancing all weird in the living room. (When I dance by myself I am completely uninhibited!) This girl already hated me and made fun of me all the time and this just added more to her ammunition against me.

I remember her saying, "Oh she looks like she's having fun" and then throwing her head back and laughing her fat ass off because she thought I was the most retarded person on the planet.

I wasn't mortified... I wasn't proud either. I was having fun though. I was having the best time ever. When I dance stupidly by myself I have an awesome time! It's so fun. I just do fucked up dance moves that only my cats witness.

I feel like myself.

But right now I feel like a loser. I feel like I did in high school: awkward and alone. A bunch of young interns at my work are all best friends for life and I'm envious because I'm not friends with anyone from work. I get along with everyone at work, but I mean, we don't do after work activities together because most of them are married with kids and have grey hairs.

They pick each other up from their houses... they go out for dinner... they go out for drinks... they make me fucking sick.

The logical thing to do would be to just wedge myself in there and start asking if I can come, or suggest something for us to do... you know, what normal people do.

Unfortunately, this is not an option for me. I'm too doubtful and pessimistic. Plus, I never hang out with this people from work and never have a reason to talk to them about work stuff because we don't work together ever.

I am pathetic. I know. I'm truly a loser. I'm just like I was in high school. So I'm dancing. I'm dancing my fucking heart right now and singing at the top of my lungs to Robbie Williams, Seal, and You Say Party We Say Die! I'm dancing and I am myself and I feel like myself.

I just wish I could let others see me in my natural habitat. I wish I wasn't so afraid to let others see the real me. I guess I just feel like the real me isn't good enough.

And is it good enough? I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes. I don't know.


  1. Have you heard the new Franz Ferdinand album? Their song Ulysses is really good.
    I do the same thing too. I honestly can't bring myself to dance any other time with complete honesty to myself. It's the only way I can ever really dance the way I want to dance.

    I know how you feel about the coworkers. They're all awesome, and I get on very well with everyone. I've been out a few times with them, but it's not like they're friends I can just call up and say "Hey, let's get drunk." or "Hey, let's go see a movie." or even "Let's watch the game."

    When things warm up I'm going to have a BBQ and invite everyone from work over. Then we will all be BFFs. If you don't get invited out by your coworkers, try bringing everyone to yourself, and do it in a way that there's going to be lots of people who can come over. That way nobody feels like they won't have anyone to talk to if they come by themselves.

  2. i like to keep my coworkers seperate from my life.. we hang out at work, and i have friends for after 5. it keeps the transition smooth and well.

    i looove dancing by myself, and its always to weird music--lol. <3!