Saturday, March 14, 2009

Reason Unknown

I know I'm having some sort of problem or issue with depression, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is, at least by myself. I don't know what's causing it. I don't know why I feel depressed all the time. I don't know how to make it stop. Some days it would just be easier to end it all, but I can't figure out why and it's driving me mental.

Normally people have a reason, at least one good reason, for feeling depressed and angry. Sometimes I just cry for no reason and I stop myself and ask myself, hey, why are you being like this? What set you off? And I honestly can't explain it. I try to think back to how I was feeling before, but I draw a blank. I just want to feel better.

I want to get the help of a professional, but I'm afraid of sounding stupid on the phone when I book the appointment. I'm afraid that once I get to the appointment and start trying to explain myself that I'm going to look like a complete moron who's wasting everyone's time. I hate crying in front of others. I hate looking dumb. I hate talking to strangers on the phone!

Everything happens for a reason. Not in a fatalist type way, but I mean in a scientific type way. I am not depressed for no reason. It feels like it, but that's untrue. I want to determine the reason why.

These are the symptoms I've noticed developing in myself in the last 4 years.

- depression
- insomnia
- anxiety
- loss of appetite
- migraines

I need to eat better. I need to exercise more. I need to get a proper night's sleep. I need to keep my house clean.

I'm working on it, I'm working on it. I keep 2 blogs and a fucking journal plus 2 pen pals! I joined a gym. I even had a personal trainer until that got fucked up. I go to bed at midnight (usually.) I drink plenty of water throughout the day.

I need to stick to a fucking routine. I need to get my shit together. I'm trying, I'm trying.

I need to book an appointment with a therapist. I know, I know. I'm ashamed. I don't want to tell people. I don't want people to know. But if everyone knew then it would be so much easier.

My cat just scratched me... it hurts and it's bleeding... but it feels good at the same time, like it's pulled me back down to reality. I'm going to go to sleep while I'm still numb.


  1. The fact that you think you need to get some help is a good indicator that it's true. It's not about "aknowledgment of the is the first step" bull crap either. The fact is that you knw you, your life and your body better than anyone else. If you think you should then you should.

    Don't be embarrased, have the courage to make yourself happy above all else.


  2. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you need help, you should get it. I see a psychiatrist once a month just to talk to someone who wont judge me. I tried out about three or four of them before I found one I was comfortable with. It's like deciding which friend to talk to. Do NOT feel stupid. They are trained to deal with us, and with people a LOT worse than us, so they can definitely handle it.

    You are stronger than you realize.