It occurred to me as I sat in the hall outside my boss's office, that I was afraid. I felt fearful of speaking to my boss.
I wasn't afraid of being fired, or reprimanded in any way. I had done nothing wrong, and yet I had this fear in me. My hands and lips were trembling. I was sweating slightly.
I thought about babies. A baby is born with one fear: loud sounds. That is the only fear humans are born with. As babies grow into children, and teens, some fears are conquered while new ones are born.
I always thought that adults were fearless. Childish fears were just that; childish. But fear stays with a person, no matter how old they are.
You know when you were a kid and you'd get caught doing some bad by a parent or a teacher? I know for myself, I instantly feared what my consequence would be. I didn't want to have to face the adult who was administering my fate. That's kind of how I felt waiting to speak to my boss this morning even though I was innocent.
It's so ridiculous! We're both adults! I can't believe I'm still scared of higher authorities like my boss and even police officers.
The chat with my boss went fine. It was great. She was telling me about how she was trying to get funding approved to keep me hired for another year! If not, I'm getting laid off, but that's besides the point.