Thursday, January 15, 2009


I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been in high spirits. Now, suddenly, it all seems to be for nothing.

I've been thinking about this girl I used to be best friends with in high school. We spent all our time together and after we graduated, we both got jobs at different places and she moved in with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend and I hate each other.

He's a shitty boyfriend.

During the summer before I left for college, I asked her to leave her boyfriend because they were having so many troubles and to move in with me. She had no car, so I got her a job where I worked so we could car pool together. My little sister also got a job there so the three of us would split gas. We split groceries too and housework.

It was the worst summer of my life. Never had I ever felt so disconnected from my friend.

Every day after work, we'd come home, she'd change, and her boyfriend would come pick her up, and then she wouldnt' be back until the morning when it was time to get ready for work. The whole reason she moved in was to get rid of her boyfriend!!! This drove me insane. She insisted they weren't dating when I asked.

She never did any housework. She was my friend and I didn't want to bitch at her like I bitched at my sister, but it was getting close. I just wanted to keep the house clean. She'd once in a while help after I'd say something like, "oh you know, it's your turn to do the dishes, could you please do them today.." and I felt like an ass.

Then the worst thing imaginable happened. My supposed best friend and my little sister became best friends. It was heartbreaking for me to see them together. To see their stupid fucking pictures together on facebook. I just wanted to choke them both.

The last straw fell on one hot sunny Saturday. I was in the kitchen eating cold cereal. I watched them getting ready for the day. Packing a cooler. Getting towels. Applying sunscreen. Nobody said a word to me. I was in plain view the whole time.

Finally as they put their shoes on they said to me, "bye, going to the beach!"

I said, "Thanks for inviting me bitches."

They didnt' say a word. They got into MY car because we were all sharing my vehicle. I watched them sit in the driveway, discussing something. Finally my "friend" came back inside to ask me if I wanted to come. I was so hurt. I was about to cry. I didn't let it show. 

I said it would take too long for me to get ready and to make sure my gas tank was filled completely when they got back. She left. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I felt so fucking sorry for myself. I felt like I had been betrayed in the worst possible way. I didn't tell her how I felt. I just stopped talking to her.

My friend has a new boyfriend now. She invited me out to meet him one night. She asked me way in advance and I bailed. I would have gone, but then I made plans with a friend who was leaving town and I had to make  a decision.

I wish I could talk to my friend again. I want to ask her so many things about that summer. It still hurts when I think about it, but it was so long ago, I don't want to bring it up and rehash things, yet , I'm not over it. I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I wish that I could buy all my friends a diamond ring each. I would lovingly pick out each ring carefully with them in mind. I would wrap each ring in the most beautiful wrapping paper. Put their name on it. Stack the boxes in an appealing looking tower or pyramid.

Then I would hang myself. I don't know who would find me. My friends certainly wouldn't. I guess it would depend on where I did it. I hope that they would wear the ring and never take it off. These "friends" which I never talk to and have become aquaintences instead of true-blue buddie would think of me everytime they wore the ring I gave them. Think of how I died because of them. Because I loved them and never could show it properly. I could never make ammends. I never had the words. 

I really should just tell them how I feel, but then I might make them feel bad and I would feel bad for making them feel bad. Even though my friends make me feel bad all the time, I wouldn't want to do it back to them.

After I hang myself, I hope I become a ghost so I can haunt those who do not wear the ring.

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