Tonight, Tonight

Bear with me please, there's a point to all this non-sense historical crap I'm beginning with.

I have a love/hate relationship with a girl who does not know that I have a love/hate relationship with her. Jaz and I were best friends in grade 9. We literally did everything together and everyone thought we were dope heads cause we could just look at each other and laugh and know exactly what the other one was thinking. (We never did drugs in high school.)

Then in grade 10, I got a boyfriend. I started to spend half my time with him. This was unacceptable to Jaz and she hated him. And she made all my other friends hate him. And she would talk about me behind my back. Fuck her. I ditched. I didn't talk to her for a year and she ended up becoming best friends with a girl named Cara.

Things are about to get complicated...

Cara and Tiff were best friends. When Cara and Jaz decided to be best friends, Tiff had no where to go and so her and I were kind of thrown together. She didn't mind hanging out with my boyfriend too, which helped. We were best friends for years! After high school ended she was still my best friend! We've had a bit of a falling out recently, but I won't get into that now.

Anyway, so it was near the end of high school when Jaz and I reconcilled, but our relationship was never the same. She was just different, you know? I missed out on a lot of things in her life that shaped her personality. She missed out on a lot of my life and things that shaped me.

I moved away and went to college for 2 years. Never saw any these people I went to high school with. I spoke occassionaly with Tiff and Jaz, visited them a couple times, too. We had some fun times after high school, but sometimes it seemed forced. I had been away for so long and they still hung out; it just wasn't the same and I was totally out of the loop. Took forever to catch up on everyone's life.

Jaz got a new boyfriend and my boyfriend really likes hanging out with her boyfriend, so naturally the four of us should go out together more often, but we don't. Sometimes Jaz doesn't want to. She's sort of a homebody. She'd rather stay in and watch a movie or something, but she never invites us over to her place to have a chill night with her. It's like if she's not out getting drunk she doesn't want to see me.

Now to the point of all this. Tonight, tonight. Tonight she is celebrating her birthday with 3 friends from her work that I don't know, (even though her b-day was at the end of December.) I most likely will not be getting drunk. It's not really my scene anymore. I'd rather toke up.

When Jaz first sees me, her eyes will light up, she'll get this huge fake smile on her face, exclaim my name, and hug me. Afterwards, she probably won't talk to me for the rest of the night, until I offer to buy her a shot for her birthday, because buying the birthday girl a shot is the polite thing to do.

She'll proceed to say something meaningless like, "Oh I really want to see your new cat!" and then never, ever make the effort to come over to actually see the cat.

She'll probably spend the entire evening laughing like a fucking moron with Cara about all their inside jokes that I'm not a part of. The more drunk she gets, the louder and more obnoxious they'll both be. I'm surprised the two of them are able to keep their boyfriends with the way they act in public. I sincerely hope my fiance divorces me if I ever become like they do. It sickens me.

Every time I log onto to Facebook I get a million updates from the both of them. It makes me angry. I think I hate them. I hate them because Tiff and I aren't as close as we used to be, and yet, somehow, Jaz and Cara have been able to keep their friendship alive and well. It eats me up inside.

Tiff and I live in different cities now, whereas Jaz and Cara worked for the same company in the same department for like, a year or something. They do have an advantage over Tiff and I, I suppose.

Sigh.

I wish I had a best friend, that's all. All the people I've ever become close to, close enough to be best friends with, have moved to a different city, a handful actualy moved out of the province, those fuckers. My closest friends I see only a few times a year. How pathetic. I am so pathetic for not having any real friends in my area.

Well, I do have one friend. Christine. But my fiance hates her. Lucky me.

As you get older, you rarely make new friends and you often lose the ones you had made when you were younger. This fact saddens me deeply. One day I'll wake up and have no friends at all.